Don't say anything critical about the high cost of everything (After all, your children will remember this moment for a lifetime, which is about as long as it will take for you to pay for it).

Don't do anything stupid such as helping your child's friends decorate his or her car (If it's too bad, they'll take yours instead).

Don't even think about loaning your child your Visa card for the honeymoon (and you thought the wedding was expensive).

I just watched "Father of the Bride" on videotape, and I'll tell you right now, I'm scared. As Steve Martin convincingly illustrates, no one has a better chance of messing up a wedding than the father of the bride (Unless, of course, it's the father of the groom; I've had experience with the latter but not the former).

I've been observing for some time now, and I'm convinced that we fathers are genetically predisposed to saying or doing the wrong things at weddings. We don't have to work on it; wedding bloopers come quite naturally. So at the risk of trying to prevent the inevitable, I've come up with some advice. Obey these admonitions, fathers, and you won't mess up your son's or daughter's wedding (OK; you won't mess it up much).

There are many stupid things for a father to say at a wedding (many more than there are unstupid things to say) so remember the following:

• Don't say anything critical about the high cost of everything (After all, your children will remember this moment for a lifetime, which is about as long as it will take for you to pay for it).
• Don't say anything critical about the wedding dress (I don't care if it looks like something Cher once wore to the Oscar Awards).
• Don't say anything critical about your new in-laws (her family doesn't have a monopoly on strange characters).
• In sum, don't say anything critical about anything (Unless it's your own lack of taste for not appreciating the vocalist your kids hired, who sounds to you like a tone-deaf version of Tiny Tim).

Keeping your mouth shut will win only part of the battle; you also must not do anything stupid like . . .

• arriving at the church late (which is anything less than 12 hours before the service),
• calling your new son-in-law/daughter-in law by the name of your child's former boyfriend/girlfriend,
• leaving the reception line to check the score on the ballgame,
• or helping your child's friends decorate his or her car (If it's too bad, they'll take yours instead).

And don't forget that, before we fathers say or do something stupid, we must first think it. So don't even think about the following:

• trying to fix up your unmarried daughter with one of the groomsmen,
• kidding your wife about becoming a granny,
• leaving the reception early to get in a round of golf before dark,
• or loaning your child your Visa card for the honeymoon (and you thought the wedding was expensive).

Finally, fathers at weddings tend to get in the way. Of whom? That's easy. Everyone: wedding coordinators, photographers, caterers, entertainers, clergy, church janitors, and, most importantly, their wives. So sit in a corner, keep quiet, and flash your Visa card from time to time.

And one more thing, smile as if this is one of the happiest occasions of your life. Come to think of it, it is.