Mike Bellah

The Hebrew patriarch Abraham is a top-five midlifer. After changing careers at 75, he lived another 100 years.





A top-five midlife fear is beatleusgeronphobia, the fear of getting too old to enjoy Beatle tunes





Rivaling Viagra as a top-five wonder drug for midlife men is Coldshoweragra, a potion for men who've had too much Viagra.

Five Famous Last Words for Midlifers 

Maybe it's because I'm pushing the Big 5-O, but for some reason I've been fixating on the number 5 this week. Today's column is the result. 

Five Famous Last Words for Midlifers

  • My teen-ager would never do that.
  • Old dogs can't learn new tricks.
  • Don't worry; my knee can handle it.
  • I'll have just one more piece of this cheesecake.
  • So how hard can it be to raise a grandchild?

 History's Top Five Midlifers

  • The Hebrew patriarch Abraham--After changing careers at 75, he lived another 100 years.
  • Abraham's wife, Sarah--She was so attractive at 90 that Abraham lied about their relationship to keep a foreign king from taking her by force.
  • Homer's Penelope--This attractive and intelligent heroine of "The Odyssey" had a house full of suitors waiting for her to announce her husband's death and her newfound eligibility.
  • Odysseus--The hero of "The Odyssey" was still handsome enough at midlife to be pursued by the nymph Calypso and strong enough to defeat the youthful rivals for his wife's affections.
  • Santa Claus--The jolliest, most popular man on the planet is an overweight midlifer with wrinkles.

 Five Midlife Phobias

  • lusisdermaphobia--fear of wrinkles
  • petrapunkphobia--fear of getting a punk rocker for a son-in-law
  • activustoddlerphobia--fear of having your 28-year-old daughter move back home with her hyperactive toddler
  • beatleusgeronphobia--fear of getting too old to enjoy Beatle tunes
  • midbioslistaphobia--fear of midlife lists 

Five Ways for Women to Avoid a Midlife Crisis

  • Don't look in the mirror until after you've put on your makeup.
  • Don't play racketball with anyone under 50.
  • Stay away from Clint Eastwood look-a-likes who want to take your picture beside a Midwestern covered bridge.
  • Don't compare recent photos of yourself with old photos of yourself. Instead, compare them with portraits of your great, great grandmother.
  • Implement a "Don't ask; don't tell" policy with your teen-age children.

 Five New Wonder Drugs for Midlife Men that Rival Viagra

  • Helpagra--makes men want to cancel their golf games and help around the house.
  • Romanticagra--gives men an irresistible urge to turn off the TV and take their wives out for dinner and dancing.
  • Spendagra--creates a desire in men to raise their children's allowances and give their wives new Visa cards.
  • Calm'emdownagra--takes away a man's desire to do things such as white water rafting and rock climbing.
  • Coldshoweragra--for men who've had too much Viagra.

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