The Hebrew patriarch Abraham is a top-five midlifer. After changing careers at 75, he lived another 100 years.

A top-five midlife fear is beatleusgeronphobia, the fear of getting too old to enjoy Beatle tunes

Rivaling Viagra as a top-five wonder drug for midlife men is Coldshoweragra, a potion for men who've had too much Viagra.

Maybe it's because I'm pushing the Big 5-O, but for some reason I've been fixating on the number 5 this week. Today's column is the result. 

• My teen-ager would never do that.
• Old dogs can't learn new tricks.
• Don't worry; my knee can handle it.
• I'll have just one more piece of this cheesecake.
• So how hard can it be to raise a grandchild?

• The Hebrew patriarch Abraham--After changing careers at 75, he lived another 100 years.
• Abraham's wife, Sarah--She was so attractive at 90 that Abraham lied about their relationship to keep a foreign king from taking her by force.
• Homer's Penelope--This attractive and intelligent heroine of "The Odyssey" had a house full of suitors waiting for her to announce her husband's death and her newfound eligibility.
• Odysseus--The hero of "The Odyssey" was still handsome enough at midlife to be pursued by the nymph Calypso and strong enough to defeat the youthful rivals for his wife's affections.
• Santa Claus--The jolliest, most popular man on the planet is an overweight midlifer with wrinkles.

• lusisdermaphobia--fear of wrinkles
• petrapunkphobia--fear of getting a punk rocker for a son-in-law
• activustoddlerphobia--fear of having your 28-year-old daughter move back home with her hyperactive toddler
• beatleusgeronphobia--fear of getting too old to enjoy Beatle tunes
• midbioslistaphobia--fear of midlife lists 

• Don't look in the mirror until after you've put on your makeup.
• Don't play racketball with anyone under 50.
• Stay away from Clint Eastwood look-a-likes who want to take your picture beside a Midwestern covered bridge.
• Don't compare recent photos of yourself with old photos of yourself. Instead, compare them with portraits of your great, great grandmother.
• Implement a "Don't ask; don't tell" policy with your teen-age children.

• Helpagra--makes men want to cancel their golf games and help around the house.
• Romanticagra--gives men an irresistible urge to turn off the TV and take their wives out for dinner and dancing.
• Spendagra--creates a desire in men to raise their children's allowances and give their wives new Visa cards.
• Calm'emdownagra--takes away a man's desire to do things such as white water rafting and rock climbing.
• Coldshoweragra--for men who've had too much Viagra.