One of the greatest frustrations in midlife comes from what I call the myth of making it. Jim Conway, author of Men in Midlife Crises, describes the struggle: "The pressure of time running out brings the facts of life into a brutal clash with the fantasies a man has dreamed since youth," says Conway. "Someday he was to become a king of this or that; someday he was to be a millionaire, a sports hero, an actor or poet or singer or writer; someday he was going to be rich and famous.

"But suddenly now is upon him. He's reached midlife--and he begins to realize that the future is here, that all he is ever going to achieve must happen now. It's got to happen by 40, or a least by 45."

According to Conway, making it for most American men hangs on career satisfaction. Working women feel the same pressure. Stay-at-home mothers, on the other hand, may dream more of family fulfillment. Making it for many women (career or stay-at-home mothers) is the perfect family: a successful and happy husband; healthy, intelligent, attractive children; and a stable, comfortable home in a safe, quiet suburb.

But by these definitions, most midlifers have not made it; they never will. And herein lies the root cause for a midlife crisis. At midlife we fear our dreams will never come true. What will help? I have three suggestions.

In the first place, making it is a myth. In reality, few ever feel they have arrived, even when others think they have. A 1987 survey asked the question: Have you achieved the American dream? Of those making $15,000 or less per year, 95 percent said no. Of those making more than $50,000 per year, 94 percent said no. Obviously, more money does not make most people think that have made it. And the same can be said for business and family successes. How big of a promotion is enough? How perfect does a family have to be to bring happiness?

While setting goals can be a good thing, unworthy ones are undeserving of our devotion, and even good ones can be disappointing. The truth is that, when viewed as an end in itself, making it simply never happens; enough is never enough.

You may not have made it in midlife, but you have accomplished much. Realize it or not, you have been "king (or queen) of this or that." You have been someone's hero. Though imperfect, your family has been a source of much happiness. You have achieved riches and fame on important levels.

Happiness is in the living more than the making. Ask someone whom you think really has made it. They will tell you that the greatest pleasure was in the getting there. Often they long for the "good ol' days" when the struggle was most intense. They have learned that making it must never become an end in itself.

So set your midlife goals; dream you midlife dreams, but never forget: The end is never more important than the means. Life is for living it, not just making it.