Mike Bellah

Experts disagree on when midlife begins and ends. Some say from 35 to 55; others identify a new stage of midlife that doesn't even begin until 50; still others define midlife as an attitude rather than an age. I have my own way of telling. My method is not exactly scientific, but it works. See if you agree.

 You know you're midlife when:

• The candles from your birthday cake trigger the fire alarm.
• Your spouse wants to plan for retirement, but how can you when you still haven't decided what you want to be when you grow up?
• The children are beginning to select your things which they want someday. Suddenly, the lifetime guarantee you just received on a new cappuccino maker doesn't sound like such a good deal.
• You ask your optometrist for easy-wear no-line bifocal contact lenses that also will do something for the bags under your eyes.
• New hair sprouts on your back, in your nose, in your ears--everywhere but on your head.
• You can't remember anymore what your real hair color is.
• Your children now put you to bed at night; then they stay up and watch the late show.
• You stay out late and paint the town red; you are still home by 11 p.m.
• All your doctors are younger than you and call you "sir" / "ma'am."
• Your idea of good aerobic exercise is a shopping trip to the mall.
• Your list of annual doctor appointments includes an orthopedist, a plastic surgeon and a Tibetan holy man who claims to reverse aging through mantras and biofeedback.
• You thing "Cheap Trick" is what a novice magician does and "Pear Jam" is good with peanut butter. Meanwhile, you're ready for another "Peter, Paul and Mary" reunion.
• Your husband surprises you on your 25th wedding anniversary with what you (he?) always wanted--a 1966 Mustang convertible. Your present to him is what he asked for--a gold chain for his neck.
• You wake up one morning feeling young and vibrant when it dawns on you that you've been sleeping with a (choose one) grandmother / grandfather.

 Well, am I right?