Mike Bellah

"If anything can go wrong, it will." You are acquainted with Murphy's Law. You know by experience that the other line always moves faster at the grocery store, that remodeling projects always take longer and cost more than you expect, and that nothing is ever as easy as it looks. But did you know Professor Murphy also has laws for the midlifer? He does. Following are some I have noticed.

• Everything takes longer than you think, except growing old.
• Some people age prematurely; the rest of us get old right on schedule.
• Beauty is skin deep, but old goes clear to the bone.

• If you start jogging, your knees will go bad.
• If you take up tennis, you'll get tennis elbow.
• If you begin lap swimming, the chlorine will give you a rash.
• If you opt for video games, you'll develop carpal tunnel syndrome.

• When you finally get your youngest child out of the house, the oldest will move back in with kids and a significant other.
• When you help get this family a job and place of their own, your Uncle Burt will come for one of his extended visits.
• When Burt leaves, there will be others.
• If you change the locks, they will break in.
• If you move, they will find you.
• The empty nest is a myth.

• If it tastes good, don't eat it; it's not healthy.
• If it tastes like cardboard, eat all you want. It's good for you.
• Try to build your meals around celery and carrot sticks with some alfalfa sprouts thrown in for taste.

• You will have to postpone your midlife crisis until your spouse finishes his or hers.
• You will postpone it again while your children go through adolescence.
• When you finally get time for a midlife crisis, you won't have the energy for it.
• If you go ahead with it anyway, no one will notice.

• Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from heart disease.
• Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from cancer.
• Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from strokes.
• Midlifers are less likely than the younger population to die from a crash at the Indy 500, a fall from Mt. Everest, or a riot at a rock concert.
• So go ahead; live on the edge. The odds are with you!

• Murphy was an optimist.
• Murphy was a midlifer.
• Murphy wrote during a midlife crisis.