with
Mike Bellah
Why can I remember phone numbers from 1955 but forget the names of new neighbors I met yesterday?
Why do cars automatically heal themselves while waiting for mechanics to look them over? Why don't these healings last?
Did Wally Cleaver know any superlatives other than "golly," "gee," or "swell"?
Life's Great Unanswered Questions
Do you wrestle with life's great unanswered questions? I do. For instance, I'd like to know if Albert Einstein knew he looked so nerdy? Did he make a conscious choice to grow a 'fro at 70 or does that just happen to people who get too close to nuclear fission? Did the first man Adam have a navel (think about it)? And do people who tear the tags off of mattresses get arrested?
Why do mothers and wives always know when you're lying, and are guests on "The Jerry Springer Show" really KGB agents trying to corrupt America's youth? See what I mean. Inquiring minds want to know these things. Following are more questions I'd like to have answered.
On Timing
Why do cars speed up just when I'm trying to pass them?
Why do some people drive exclusively in the left lane? Why do they go exactly one mile an hour under the speed limit? Why do they inevitably end up parallel with a bunch of 18-wheelers in the right lane, and why are these convoys always in front of me?
Where are state troopers when you need them?
Why do cars automatically heal themselves while waiting for mechanics to look them over? Why don't these healings last?
Why can I remember phone numbers from 1955 but forget the names of new neighbors I met yesterday?
Why does the phone always ring just as I'm leaving the house?
Why does my nose always itch when I can't scratch it--like while I'm sitting in a dentist's chair?
Does the same dentist actually expect me to answer his questions while his hands and tools fill my mouth?
On Television Classics
Why was Ozzie Nelson always at home? Did he have a job? Was he permanently disabled, maybe because of a hearing loss caused by son Ricky's rock and roll music?
Since she knew he would get in some kind of life-threatening trouble each week, why didn't Lassie just buy a collar and leash for Timmy.
Did June Cleaver ever lose it? Why not? Was she a robot? The first of the Stepford wives?
Did Wally Cleaver know any superlatives other than "golly," "gee," or "swell"?
Where did "the Beaver" get his nickname? Did he chew through the bars on his crib as an infant?
Did Deputy Barney Fife ever shoot anything other than his foot with his one bullet that he kept in his shirt pocket?
Was little Opie Taylor really a compliant child, or was he just marking time until he could produce his own TV show?
On the Fairness of Life
Why does 90% of all bad weather occur on weekends?
Why do all the good food dishes (things like chicken fried steak and cherry cheese cake) have 10 million calories per serving? Why didn't God load the calories in, say, spinach casserole instead?
Why haven't I won the lottery yet?
Why can't I think of good column ideas every week? Why do I end up writing stuff like this?