with

Mike Bellah

I suppose I should have been stockpiling all that freeze-dried stuff that Uncle Eddy buys from Apocalypse Now wholesalers in Pine Bluff, Arkansas, but I think I've done OK under the circumstances.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, it seems there also has been a run on candles and all that was left was the birthday-cake variety, so I took two gross of them.

 

 

 

 

I don't know if I'm that content with who I am anyway. Hey, this might be a good opportunity to change identities.

Finally Ready for Y2K

 Whew! Just in time. I'm finally ready for Y2K.

OK; so I didn't exactly plan ahead--my Uncle Eddy started preparing for the millennium bug before he even knew the name for it, just after the cold war ended in 1989 and he finally decided he might not need his hydrogen bomb shelter--but I did make some last minute preparations this week, and I'm good to go. See if you agree.

Food

Of course, grocery stores will forget how they sacked potatoes before electricity so I'll need food. I suppose I should have been stockpiling all that freeze-dried stuff that Uncle Eddy buys from Apocalypse Now wholesalers in Pine Bluff, Arkansas, but I think I've done OK under the circumstances. You see, I doubled up on stocking stuffer this week, and I figure candy canes are both nonperishable and rich in carbohydrates, and, besides, they're much more festive than, say, freeze-dried tuna fish casserole.

Water

It looks like I'm not the only last minute shopper for Y2K supplies. When I asked for bottled water at the Bag 'n Tote on Thursday, the clerk gave me a smirky, Uncle Eddy kind of grin (a look that says "I told you so, you're going to starve, and I don't give a darn") and informed me that they had been out for weeks. "No problem," I replied. After all, bottled water is not the only source for H20. I had only to browse the store for an alternative, which I found in the frozen food case. Popsicles--two dozen cases of raspberry-lemon, jumbo sticks--would do nicely, and the sticks would double for kindling.

Light

In addition to burning popsicle sticks, I decided I would need something else to give off light and heat, so I went looking for candles (Uncle Eddy suggested the Daniel Boone 10,000 BTU kerosene-burning lantern, which can double as a lighthouse beacon if you happen to live on the coast, but at $2,175.75 it was a bit out of my price range). Anyway, it seems there also has been a run on candles and all that was left was the birthday-cake variety, so I took two gross of them. I figure with these distributed throughout the house, we'll get a more even effect, although it might look a little spooky, like something out of an Anne Rice novel.

Cash and Records

All the Y2K pamphlets tell me that the ATM machines will shut down on cue at 12:00 midnight, so I decided I'll need some cash. But, after doing the Christmas shopping, there isn't any left, so I thought maybe I could collect some items for barter--you know; maybe trade something I have for, say, one of Uncle Eddy's semi-automatic, laser-guided grenade launchers, just in case the neighbors come after my popsicles--and I do have valuable items to trade, for instance a pigskin autographed in 1989 by Billy Joe DuPree of the Dallas Cowboys (you don't remember him?).

On the other hand, I'm not sure if I'm that concerned if some computer database loses my records. I don't know if I'm that content with who I am anyway. Hey, this might be a good opportunity to change identities. Perhaps, I should make copies of Uncle Eddy's birth certificate instead of mine; then I could become him, and--what the heck--I'd be ready for Y2K anyway.

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